As I was growing up in the south, I would hear the phrase "that is as ugly as homemade sin." I eventually got to the point that I said it as well in response to things that I found genuinely ugly, like crimped hair, polyester bedspreads or anything bedazzled. The other day, as I was thinking it quite arrogantly about something, I felt that familiar pause in my spirit. "What does that even mean?", I thought. Is it ugly as homemade sin as opposed to drive through sin, or sin that you buy at the Cheesecake Factory? Usually, something homemade is something that a lot of time and effort has gone into and it's far superior to the drive through, or even the Cheesecake Factory. Why is homemade sin therefore the worst kind of ugly? Then, it hit me.
It really is. You see, my homemade sins are the ones that I've cooked up all for myself and taken a lot of time with. They're not my drive through sins of impatience and minor road rage or even my Cheesecake Factory brand of sins such as gossip disguised as concern or a critical spirit disguised as expertise and helpful feedback. They are my well-crafted and well-protected sins. They are the ones that I take great pains to make sure no one discovers. They are the ones that I harbor, justify and argue with the Holy Spirit over when He starts to get too close to them. They are my homemade sins, and they are indeed the ugliest kind.
As is often the case with a homemade item of any kind, the more time you spend with something, the more attached you are to it. The more time you spend with it, the more you know the ins and outs of it and the more you know something, the harder it is for you to let someone else have it. The truth about homemade sin is that Someone else does want it.
In any pursuit of holiness, the time will eventually come when the flashlight comes out and the darkness runs for cover. For me, this process has been a lot like the housework I've done lately. You see, I LOVE a clean house. I can't handle mess. Clutter makes me insane. So...I keep the public areas of my house pretty picked up and clean all the time. Air fresheners are plugged in, scented candles are lit, the pillows on the couch are fluffed and placed just so and everything has to be in this state before I can go to sleep at night. Let's be honest...with three small children this is no easy task, but I simply don't function correctly if it's not done. There's only one problem. Though there may not be any clutter on the outside, there's PLENTY on the inside. Junk drawers, crammed closets, catch-all bins and toy-paloozas exist in all the places you can't readily see. In fact, only if someone went poking around would they find these places. They're well hidden. I know they're there and for awhile, I can ignore them. Lately though, they've been driving me crazy and the clean-out of all of the unseen places has begun. It's so liberating! Bags and bags and bags and bags of toys, clothes and trash have left my house headed for Goodwill and in some cases, the dump. What a great feeling! The cleanup is far from complete, but progress is being made.
I'm sure you can guess where this analogy is headed. Pursuing holiness means a relentless clean-out of the unseen places in my heart as well. You may not know they're there, but I do, and so does my Pursuer. I keep a pretty put-together thing going on the outside. Wife, mom, singer, writer, friend...I wear all of those things and keep everything fluffed and placed exactly where it should be for the most part. Sure, I struggle with drive through and Cheesecake Factory sins, but hey...who doesn't? The good thing is, I keep the homemade sins tucked neatly away where only someone who went poking around would find them. My problem now? Someone is poking. The same Someone who made me unsatisfied with my casual hybrid of holiness is now poking into the dark corners and the crammed closets of my heart. Seems He isn't satisfied with me just looking clean...He actually wants me to BE clean. It turns out that just like a junk-filled house isn't actually clean, neither is a junk-filled heart. In fact, it's ugly as homemade sin. The good news is that the clean-out of the ugly places has begun. It's so liberating! Step by step obedience has been required and hard things have been asked of me. But, by God's grace, some things have gone to the dump.
Try as I might, I will never fully grasp the grace of God for me. The fact that He knows intimately all of the corners of my dirty heart and then washes them with His blood and calls me CLEAN is unfathomable to me. The fact that He knows just how white-knuckled my grasp is on some of this junk and that He still ever so gently points in their direction and says "You want to be holy as I am holy? That has to go." but He doesn't get mad or frustrated or grow weary of my selective hearing. I am overwhelmed as I think about how far I have to go, but I am so comforted by God's promises in His Word concerning my heart when I let Him have His way with it. By the way...His promises are for your heart too.
"The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick; who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9
"I will give you a new heart and will put a new spirit within you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and will give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26
peace.
