I've had much occasion to ponder new beginnings, new opportunities, new horizons and all other things new over the last 5 months. We've moved into a new situation, I've started a new job, the kids have been in a new school, we've plugged into a new church (that just recently moved into a new building), new acquaintances have been made, new goals, dreams and visions launched........ all things new.
Along with the excitement and anticipation that accompany newness, however, there is also the palatable sense of loss, sadness, nostalgia and remembrance that also tag along. Relationships left behind and familiarity upended leave a pretty substantial and gaping hole where comfort and warmth once were. Sure, it won't last forever, but for a time, there is a profound sense of loss. Sometimes in the midst of all the newness, the sadness of what's been left behind creeps up when you may least expect it.
We are walking through this with our children right now, and especially with our oldest, Maggie. We had the chance to return to California this weekend for the wedding of one of our dearest friends in the world. The whole family was in the wedding, we got to hang out with the people we love, visit the places we've missed (namely: JAMBA JUICE!) and get that old feeling of familiarity that we had when we lived there. Maggie and Jack went by their old school and were welcomed with open arms by all their classmates and teachers as if no time had passed and they'd never left. All this was well and good......until it was time to leave. Maggie is our deep feeler. She feels emotions all the way to her soul and it is quite a deep well. As the time approached for wedding festivities to end, I could see the waters of Maggie's deep soul well begin to churn. Now, she's no drama queen, so she tries quite adeptly to keep everything in check and stay in control. But.....before long, once we were out of the "public", she began to cry. Not those annoying tears where you think "good grief, get it together child!", but the kind of tears that signal deep hurt and loss. She really couldn't see past leaving Breanne's wedding, California, her friends and all she'd known. She couldn't imagine how going back to Atlanta would ever feel good.
I have to say that sitting there in that moment, I could totally relate. It was so nice to be around the people that know us best, who'd walked through some of the roughest times of our life with us and who know us inside and out. It was nice not to have to even think......it was nice just to be.......and to be there. We encouraged Maggie that this was not the end and that there would be other visits and longer visits and more communication and more experiences. But I don't think much of that really comforted her. In retrospect, it doesn't really comfort me either. What Maggie wanted to keep a grip on, and what I now realize that I want to keep a grip on is that familiarity. The comfort. The normalcy. The security.
It seems to me though, that God has not designed us for comfort and security on this earth. He's designed us for Himself. I'm encouraged to be less concerned about how I feel here on earth and more concerned about how I am with God. I want the comfort, security and familiarity I feel to be that of His presence and favor......of His direction, guidance and correction.....the assurance that regardless of what my earthly surroundings may look or feel like, that He is the constant in my life that I can unquestionably count on and know will never leave me with a sense of loss and sadness. I want to teach Maggie, and all of our children, how to navigate through the changes that this earthly life will bring while knowing exactly Who they can cling to and trust to take them from season to season.
Even as I write this, I am sitting in the airport in Houston......halfway from California to Atlanta......and heading into another season of newness. A new house for our family in just ten days, a summer without weeks of camps for the first time in fifteen years, a brand new children's ministry adventure in just two weeks, another new school for the kids in a few short months and whatever else God may have ordained for our journey that we can't even comprehend yet. I feel the tugging. I wanted to stay in California. I wanted to just pick up where we left off there. Yet, I want to come back to Atlanta......to pick up all we have there as well. As it turns out.....seems I have a pretty deep soul well too.....and it's been churned a bit. Above all, it makes me run full tilt toward my Father who understands every bit of it. I'm so grateful that He holds me and helps me navigate as I hold my daughter and help her navigate.
Weddings are such beautiful things and this weekend was no exception. Getting to watch two people whose lives have intersected and see the newness that God is bringing about in them was emotional. Pondering the future that lies before our little family and seeing all the new beauty that God can bring from old ashes is emotional. Getting to participate in even a small way in the giant story of newness that God is writing through history is emotional. But at the bottom of all that emotion, by the grace of God alone........there is peace.
