i. can't. do. this.

"Are you still obeying?" "What do you say?" "How should you have asked that differently?" "Can I help you with something?" "Do you think that's a wise choice?" "Are you kidding me right now?" "Have you lost your mind?" "What is happening right now?"

Questions. Every day, all day, I find myself asking my kids questions. The funny thing about the questions is that I'm not asking because I need the answers, I'm asking because I already know the answer, but am trying to get them to think about what they're doing and what the answer should be.

This morning, upon hearing them downstairs not doing anything remotely close to what I had asked them to do, I called "are you still obeying?" The best part is always the replies...  

Ali's reply (7 yrs old): "yeeeeessss" (drawn out JUST long enough to stop what she'd been doing and start what I'd asked her to do so that it isn't technically a lie...)

Jack's reply (8 yrs old): "we're about to!" (he's just happy with points for intent...)

Maggie's reply (11 years old): "no, but we will."  (honest. She knows she isn't obeying any longer and will get back to it.)

As I shook my head in that all-knowing "don't they know that I know everything?" way that I do, I was struck by the question I'd asked them... (in that all-knowing way that I ask...)

Are you still obeying?

It wasn't long before I was pondering that very question for myself. I know the things that God's asked me to obey in. In fact He's asked all of us who are believers to obey in a host of things. There are 10 commandments to consider, commands from James regarding the tongue, commands from Ephesians regarding husbands and wives, commands in the books of Timothy regarding church leaders and the list goes on.

Those are all commands that God has given us generally. I also know of things that God has asked of me specifically. His direction to me may be different than His direction to you. That's the beautiful thing about His grace and the freedom that is found within it.

Occasionally though, I can feel Him asking "are you still obeying?" Depending on the day and what's been asked of me, I can answer like any of my children.

"Yeeeeeeeesssss..." This response is usually reserved for those times that I've gotten off track a little. I've gotten distracted along the way. The thoughts I start allowing my mind to run away with, the kindness I should display but really don't feel like it, the times I should go out of my way for someone and act like Jesus, but instead would rather be selfish... "Are you still obeying?" The way I answer gives me JUST enough time to snap out of my selfishness and yield to the Holy Spirit instead. But, God isn't fooled by my response any more than I am when Ali responds that way to me. He wisely asks the question to nudge me back on track. He is relentlessly kind.

"I'm about to!" I feel like I respond this way to God once I've dug my heels in. I don't WANT to be tender-hearted to my husband right now. I don't WANT to consider others better than myself. I don't WANT to take care of everyone else! I. DON'T. WANT. TO. Then in the midst of my selfishness and narcissism comes that voice... "Are you still obeying?" Ridiculously, and as though God hasn't seen the whole pity party, I gather myself, put everything in order and answer that I'm JUST about to obey...as though I somehow get points for good intentions. God isn't fooled, but He does know my frailty and in the words of Psalm 103:14, He "remembers that we are dust." So, because of His great love for me, He asks the question He already knows the answer to...and He asks for my good. He is relentlessly wise.

"No, but I will." This one is hardest for me. There are times in my life when I know what I'm supposed to do. I know what He's asked. I know the answer. I'm just not doing it. I'm scared. I'm unsure. I'm confused. I'm bargaining. I'm hedging my bets. I'm waiting for a different answer. I'm talking myself down. I'm beating myself up. I'm wringing my hands. I'm searching. I'm fretting. I'm anxious. I'm running. I'm weary. I'm worn. I'm exhausted. Then it comes..."Are you still obeying?" No. I'm not. I'm not obeying. The problem with the "I will" part is that there are times when I feel like I CAN'T. I cannot obey. I don't have it in me. I want to. This isn't an issue of my motive. It's an issue of fear. It's an issue of faith. It's an issue of trust. It's an issue of doubt. Am I saying out loud that I don't trust God? Of course not! But my actions and my delayed obedience (which is disobedience) betray me. I might as well say "God, I don't trust that you know what's best for me and that by instructing me in this way, you're leading me to Your best. I'm afraid that you won't come through." He is relentlessly merciful.

Charles Spurgeon had this to say on the subject:

• Do you doubt as to whether God will fulfill His promise? When not a sparrow falls to the ground without your Father, and the very hairs of your head are all numbered, will you mistrust and doubt Him? Perhaps your affliction will continue up until you dare to trust your God and then it shall end. There are so many who have been tested and in anguish until, at last, they have been driven in sheer desperation to exercise faith in God, and the moment of their faith has been the instant of their deliverance; they have seen whether God would keep His promise or not. Oh, I pray you doubt Him no longer! It is a sin; and not a little sin either, but in the highest degree criminal. It is base and inexcusable that we allow a doubt to sojourn within our heart. May we wage constant war against doubts of our God - enemies to our peace and His honor - and with an unstaggering faith believe that what He has promised He will also perform.

I want to obey. But will I? The truth is, I can't. Without the enabling grace of God, there's no hope. I'm too frail, too paralyzed. i. can't. do. this.

Glory to God that He's not asking "Are you still obeying?" while expecting me to do so in my own strength! He's not assuming that I can and He's not even assuming that I will! I believe He asks the question to remind me that I'm not obeying and then to gently remind me that apart from Him, I can't. I can't accomplish what He's asked of me, so He must accomplish it IN ME. I can't live how He asks me to live, so He must live IN ME. I can't be who He's asked me to be, so He must be that IN ME. I can't fulfill His purpose for me. So He must. I can't. So He must. I won't, but He will.

The key for me? Surrender. That's my part. The hands up, white-flag waving, exhausted, end of myself SURRENDER. And then I wail... "GOD, I CAN'T!!!!" And in his wise, merciful, all-knowing, grace-oozing way, He then replies...

"No, but I will." He will do it. He will enable my obedience. He will come through. He will give me the grace to act. He will give me the grace to walk. He will give me the grace to speak. He will give me the grace to obey. And at the end...there will be no doubt that He alone has done it.

May we wage constant war against doubts of our God - enemies to our peace and His honor - and with an unstaggering faith believe that what He has promised He will also perform.

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands. Psalm 138:8