Designer jeans. I. Love. Them. Once upon a time, I was a regular Old Navy or Gap jeans kind of girl and I was perfectly content. I didn't even know that I wasn't fulfilled in my experience of jeans. Then one day my sister-in-law introduced me to my first pair of designer jeans. I remember it like it was yesterday. I put them on, and I felt.......AMAZING. I hadn't known prior to that moment that I could be THAT happy in a pair of jeans. I hadn't known that my life was missing anything.....but it was......oh, it was.
It's been 6 years and two children since that pivotal moment and for the first time other than pregnancy I'm without my designer jeans. Oh, they're still in my closet, but our connection is gone. It has been for about 6 months now. Why, you may ask? Well, I'd love to tell you that it's because I've sold them all and given the money to charity, or that I've since realized that I don't need designer jeans when regular old Jordache will do. But, I'd be lying. The real reason lies in the number 22. Twenty-two. The big TWO TWO. That number represents the amount of pounds that I've gained since Christmas. Twenty. Two. Pounds. I discovered this tonight. I had a sneaking suspicion it was close to that, but tonight I stepped onto the dreaded scale. Sadly, those pounds won't fit into my designer jeans any more than a Delta jet can fit into a ziplock bag. It's absolutely impossible. The sad part is.......it was all preventable.
Now, before you start judging me (more than you already are for the fact that I didn't sell them and donate the money to charity.....) let me assure you that I did not pay full price for any of my jeans. In fact, several of them were free. Having a relative that works in a high end department store has its perks. So does being smaller than someone else who gained weight and can no longer fit into their designer jeans. It's funny, but as much as I can't live without my designer jeans, I also refuse to pay full price for any of them. Double standard? Probably.
I told a friend of mine that I was certain I'd gained at least 20 pounds since moving to Atlanta from California and she said. "Absolutely not. There's no way. You can't tell at all." That actually kept me going for awhile! "People can't tell I've gained weight. Sweet! I have always been able to dress to accentuate the positive and downplay the negative. I'm doing good!" The problem is...I only LOOKED like I hadn't gained 20 pounds. That didn't change reality. I have gained 20 pounds whether I look like it or not. And believe you me, without all of my strategically placed clothes, I most definitely look like it.
Here's the thing. I didn't gain 22 pounds overnight. I also didn't suddenly wake up and realize that I was gaining weight. I didn't try to gain weight. I gained weight because I made no effort to stop it. I ate what everyone routinely eats, I paid less for groceries rather than more. I was lazy, I compromised, I was indulgent, I took the easy way out, I caved........and now I'm paying. Let's be clear. Gaining weight is what naturally happens to a vast percentage of the population if there is no attempt made to stop it. Staying thin (and healthy) actually takes work. Fighting is required.
About the same time that I felt myself getting dissatisfied with my temporary Target jeans and my expanding waistline, the Holy Spirit started pressing in on me in a very familiar way. See......I've been really digging into this idea of holiness for about 5 years. I've been studying, digesting and wrestling with all of the implications of scripture's exhortations to us as believers. We are commanded in no uncertain terms to BE holy. Everything about the pursuit of holiness requires active and in many cases aggressive steps on our part. We are naturally prone to getting really fat on the pleasures of this world. Because of our ongoing battle against sin and our flesh, we are not naturally holy. We begin to be worldly because we make no effort to stop it. We watch or listen to what everyone routinely watches and listens to, and have less convictions rather than more. We grow lazy, we compromise, we're indulgent, we take the easy way out, we cave, we abuse grace........and we pay. The chance for holiness for me required a priceless sacrifice on Jesus' part. It wasn't free like my designer jeans. But glory to God.........with diligence, the indwelling power of the Spirit and the glorious grace offered to me, I CAN BE HOLY. I don't have to just LOOK holy, I can actually BE holy.
Unfortunately, much like my weight, I think I've learned how to dress to hide my unholiness. After all, I am practically a professional christian. I work in ministry, I work at a CHURCH for crying out loud. I lead worship, I lead children, I'm a pastor's kid, I married a worship leader, I can quote scripture, I've never been drunk, I own multiple Bibles, I have favorite sermons, favorite worship songs, eat Chick-fil-A and only use Apple products. For all intents and purposes, I look like a holy person. But, lately, God's been convicting me that looks are very deceiving. If I'm not careful, I'm tempted to hide behind the fact that everyone thinks I've got this holiness bit together. It's then that I realize that He always sees me without my holiness clothes on and knows just how fat I've gotten on what this world has to offer. I don't have to work very hard to be comfortable in this world. I don't even have to work very hard to be assumed as holy around other believers. Jerry Bridges calls this "cultural holiness." He says:
"Many Christians have what we might call a "cultural holiness". They adapt to the character and behavior pattern of Christians around them. As the Christian culture around them is more or less holy, so these Christians are more or less holy. But God has not called us to be like those around us. He has called us to be like himself. Holiness is nothing less than conformity to the character of God."
THAT is what I want. I don't want to just be like the other Christians around me. That's becoming more and more scary by the day. We've validated the phrase "what one generation tolerates, the next embraces." I want to know what it means to put sin to death in my life, to appropriate the grace of God to the situations I face each day, to love others as He did, to esteem others as better than myself, to deny myself the things that erode my spiritual health and to take up my cross daily. You can't fake that stuff. There are a few people in my life who are pursuing this full force and it's a beautiful thing to watch.
I'm not satisfied with these 22 pounds. They have to go. Not just because I want to get back into my jeans.......but because I want to be healthy. I'm not satisfied with my cultural holiness either. It has to go. Not just because I want to look like I've got it together to those around me........but because I want to be holy.
I'm so thankful to God for the ladies around me who've committed to this journey also and meet weekly to encourage one another and exhort each other. I have no delusions regarding how easy this will be.......I know it won't be. And since it will not be completed on this side of eternity, I already know the value of having encouragers and exhorters who are in it for the long haul. But......blessing follows obedience and obedience requires heeding the promptings of the Spirit in my life. So.....I continue on the journey. Hope to see you along the way. Maybe when we do see one another, I'll be back in those beloved jeans.
"The moment we make up our minds that we are going on with this determination to exalt God over all we step out of the world's parade. We shall find ourselves out of adjustment to the ways of the world, and increasingly so as we make progress in the holy way." A.W. Tozer
peace.
