believe it or not...

I had a conversation with my 7 year old son, Jack, last Wednesday night that has completely changed things for me. It was a normal day, we were doing normal homework after my normal day at work and his normal day at school. Everything was pretty...well, normal. He was doing an activity where he had to share 9 things that described him for the "All About Me" book that his class contributes to. We'd already talked about our family, the dogs, his love of Moshi Monsters and Legos...his favorite animals (sharks and cheetahs) and so forth. The rest of the conversation went something like this...

"Jack, do you want to say something about Jesus, or Passion City Church? That's a big part of you."

"Nah, not really."

"Oh really? Why not?"

"Well, mom...most of the kids in my class aren't christians."

"Well, what does it mean to be a christian?"

"It means that you believe in Jesus."

"Like, you believe He existed?"

"No mom...like that He died on the cross and rose again for our sins."

"Oh, that's right! Jack do you believe that?"

"Nah, not really."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I can believe that Jesus died because people die all the time. But, I just can't believe that He rose again, because people don't do that."

"Well, doesn't it make it pretty cool then, that Jesus DID rise from the dead? It's important to know what you believe about it."

"Mom...I'm going to live a long time. I have plenty of time to decide. Okay, in this square, I want to put a picture of art stuff, because I like art."

Suddenly, in that little exchange, my very normal day became very abnormal and very heavy. Jack had no angst, no confusion and no emotion. He had given it a good bit of thought and just didn't believe that Jesus rose from the dead. And he was fine with it.

I, on the other hand, was not fine. A few minutes later, I shook it off as best I could, got in my car and headed to small group. One of the girls in my small group had just had the most precious little baby girl and we were all getting to hold her and love on her for the first time. I, having a background in theater, performed "Girl Who Has Nothing Wrong With Her and Isn't Freaking Out" beautifully that night. Then, I got in the car and cried all the way home. At this point, pretty convincingly, came the voice of an accuser in my ear. Sometimes whispering, sometimes shouting over the next day or so and the accusations sounded a little (exactly) like this...

"Are you KIDDING me? You're a CHILDREN'S MINISTRY DIRECTOR and your own child doesn't even believe?"

"What are you doing investing in other people's children when you can't even seem to get your own child on board?"

"This is what you get for not homeschooling them and taking care of their education yourself. Instead, you're working in ministry focusing on everyone else's kids. Good job, mom."

There were more, but I'm getting a little discouraged again even typing them out, so we'll just leave it there. The next night, Jack asked if he could read a story outloud to Ali, our 5 year old. I said yes and we headed up to his room. He picked a children's book by Francis Chan named "Halfway Herbert." (I must pause right now and encourage all of you to get his children's books. They are full of truth in a very engaging way for kids.) Anyway...the gist of "Halfway Herbert" is that Herbert can't love Jesus with his whole heart unless the Holy Spirit comes and lives in him and helps him.

You can imagine that during the entire time that Jack is reading to Ali, I am praying for understanding and clarity for Jack. I am begging that he will get it. Then, when the story is done, he says:

"Mommy, do you think we could talk about me asking the Holy Spirit to come and help me love Jesus with my whole heart?"

(With as much calm as I can muster) "Sure buddy, would you like me to go get your Daddy too?"

"Yes please. And mom?"

"Yes buddy?"

"Could I also have a glass of water?"

At this point, I'm flying down the stairs grabbing water cups and Jeffrey and praying outloud and trying not to overthink it, but really praying that this is "the moment."

We head back into Jack's room and sit down and begin to talk and he really wanted to know about how to love Jesus with his whole heart. So, we started from the beginning. I grabbed everything I could find... I had a giant stuffed dog for God and a puppy for people and stacks of books representing sin and I think there was a giraffe playing Jesus (and you thought "The Shack" took liberties with characterization...) and then we told the whole process of God being holy and us not being able to get to God because of sin and Jesus coming and paying the penalty for sin (and we talked about what penalties were)... and Jack said...

"I just can't believe that Jesus rose from the dead. Is it true that doctors can raise people from the dead?"

"You mean like pastor Louie talked about on Easter?"

"uh huh."

"Well buddy, it IS true that sometimes people's hearts stop beating in the hospital and doctors work on them and work on them and the people's hearts start beating again. But, if that happens, it's still God that makes it happen. He controls everything. He's also the one that raised Jesus from the dead."

"I guess I just need to read more and pray and ask God to help me believe it. Do you think when I get older I'll be able to believe more?"

"There are some things that will make more sense as you get older, yes, but faith is all about believing something even if you can't see it and sometimes even when you can't understand it."

"I think I'd just like to read and pray for a while and ask God to help me believe it."

"Absolutely buddy. You can do that."

So that's what he does. Every night. That wasn't "the moment" and there hasn't been a ton of conversation since then.

On Sunday, it "just so happened" to be the Sunday that the GOSPEL was shared in Passion Kids. Our amazing storyteller, Daniel, told the story of the two trees in the garden, the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Then he talked about the tree that Jesus died on and talked about the choice we all have to make of which tree we're going to eat from: the one that leads to life, or the one that leads to death. Jack listened intently. He came up to me afterwards and I thought "is this the moment????" and he asked:

"Mom, is that the REAL tree that Jesus died on?"

I explained that it wasn't, but it was a symbol of what really happened and asked if he had any more questions. He didn't. That wasn't the moment.

Throughout this journey the accusatory voice is getting softer and softer as the voice of Truth gets elevated.

The voice of Truth says:

"Wow...you took for granted that all of your children would believe in me. You never even considered that one of them would doubt. Sounds like a dose of humility could be taken right about now."

"You've suddenly begun doubting that I called you here, to this job, for this season, and that I knew all of this would be happening. Your focus has been entirely on what YOU should or shouldn't have done or be doing and not what I am doing. You're acting as though you are in control. Again."

"All matters of faith begin with ME. I am the initiator of all things and I am the one that draws people to myself. Your responsibility is to participate, tell, explain, listen, show... It is MY responsibility to DO. I'm the only one who can." 

As I've looked up out of my fear and worry, I've seen how masterfully God has been orchestrating Jack's surroundings. He's in a church full of truth. He hears truth ALL the time. He sits under a pastor that communicates it clearly and without reservation...and Jack's listening. He's memorizing scripture and is weekly engaged with leaders who are investing in him relationally and spiritually. He's reading books full of truth that we gave him...and he's remembering. He voiced his reservations about Jesus' resurrection 3 days after Easter and 4 days before hearing the gospel (for the second time that week!) in Passion Kids. He's reading the crucifixion, resurrection, appearance on the road to Emmaus and ascension every night. Every. Night.

As you can probably guess, my perspective on things has in some cases changed and in some cases sharpened in the last week and a half.

It has sharpened in that I'm more convinced than ever of God's sovereignty and where He has me, but specifically, what He's called me to. Jack is one of hundreds of kids that we get the privilege of seeing each week. Our mission is to put the truth of Jesus Christ in front of them and elevate Him as the highest treasure in life. Jack can't be the only child we're seeing that just "can't believe it." I am praying that God will use all of us that are leaders in Bloom and Passion Kids as seed-planters. That when the Jacks are with us, they leave with even more truth to chew on than when they came in.

My perspective has changed in the fact that I realize that I've been living in assumptions and fear. And not just about this. I've been assuming everything in my childrens' journey would go according to my plan. I've doubted that God had really thought it all through when He moved us to Atlanta. I'm acting as though I'm in control and can manage the outcomes in my life. I've been fearing what He's gifted me to do because I can't see how it fits. Most of all, I've been worrying more about what others think about me than what God says about me. I've also elevated the voices of accusation far more than just this time in my life.

So, by the grace of God, I refuse to live in fear. And, because I'm human...when I find myself living in fear, I'm going to remind myself (be it ever so sternly) that God was big enough to orchestrate our lives to bring us here, He is big enough to keep us while we're here, He's holding my life and the lives of my family firmly in His grasp and that He has plans for using me and us for our good and HIS GLORY.

He has positioned our lives for this time and has positioned our son according to His will and His plan. I'm so incredibly grateful for what Jack is surrounded by as he thinks, prays and ponders...and I recognize that God has provided it all. So, rather than doubt, I choose trust. Trust in the One who reveals it all to begin with. Trust in the One who's responsible to draw my son to Himself. Trust in His timeline. And I trust that if and when "the moment" comes...He will have orchestrated that too.

peace.