Either adultery is becoming an alarming trend or I'm just noticing it more. Two particular adulterers have made the headlines in recent months...Tiger Woods and Jesse James. We've got movies like "It's Complicated" hailing all the fun of being the "other woman" and endless tv shows involving plots where "he's sleeping with her, but married to her" or "they're married, but in constant angst because of the other people they'd rather be with" and most of us find ourselves somehow rooting for the secretive affair. I did notice something interesting in human behavior recently, though. When the Tiger Woods scandal broke, and even more so when the Jesse James news broke, public disgust and outrage at these two men was palpable. Why? Why was this the public's response? These men were only doing what the people in the movies we pay to see and the tv shows we schedule our lives around are doing. What makes it worse? Oh....because it's REAL. The deception is real, the betrayal is real, the lies are real, the pain is real, the devastation is real. And...if you've ever experienced the NON-hollywood version of adultery, or if it's ever touched someone close to you, or perhaps even you, you find yourself never looking at it quite the same way again.
I've been pondering this a lot lately for some reason, and the Lord has just not let me get comfortable with the "well...that's too bad...glad it isn't me!" response. The funny thing that I've heard and that I've even said is "how could Tiger cheat on Elin? She's beautiful!" or "How stupid is Jesse to cheat on Sandra Bullock? She's like the nicest, most beautiful, talented person ever! What an idiot!" The obvious inference is that we could understand the affair more if the wife were ugly or mean...right? WRONG! But, we've managed to make it okay to cheat on spouses as long as the story-line is crafted perfectly and we can identify with the angst, oh, and as long as it doesn't touch us specifically. Even more interesting is how we're willing to give some latitude for "those heathens" who cheat, (because we don't expect any more from them?) but are ready to crucify christians, or God forbid, spiritual leaders who commit adultery. "How DARE they?" "How stupid do you have to be?" "Oh, the poor wife/husband and kids." "How dare they continue to lead people while they were neck-deep in sin?" "Can't trust ANYONE these days apparently..." "BOYCOT them!"
Sorry if this seems to hit too close to home. Stick with me, though. In our lives, we have probably been touched directly by situations where a spouse has gone outside the boundaries of their marriage and committed adultery. We've probably encountered pastors, speakers, worship leaders, small group leaders, friends and the like who've had their lives drastically impacted by this particular sin. Lately, I've been finding myself wondering WHY this seems to be so prominent and what if any response God wants from me. I think there are several reasons and one very appropriate response.
I believe that one of the reasons that adultery seems more prominent is because of the sheer availability of other people AND the details of their lives. Facebook, Twitter and MySpace have brought this idea of social-networking to the forefront of our culture. It's never been easier to find out all you do (and sometimes do not) want to know about someone and their family. Though I'm an avid user of both facebook and twitter, there are certain things that I just will not post. It's not necessary and invites a level of familiarity that can quickly breed unhealthy relating with others. Cell phones, text messages, instant messaging and all manner of social networking provides a quick and easy way to lead a completely separate life. Accessibility is high and accountability is low. We as believers would do well to take a good hard look at the social networking in our lives and that of our children. Do we have the amount of boundaries that we should? Have we let any boundaries begin to crumble? Let's shore them up!!
Another huge reason I believe this is becoming more prominent is because we look at the boundaries usually placed on male-female relationships as antiquated and outdated. Even I, who used to be a strict "never ride in the car with a man who's not my husband" supporter have found myself saying "awww...it's not a big deal with him. Nothing would EVER happen with him..." It's become increasingly clear to me in the last year that the boundaries with other males in my life that I had let slide need to be re-instated with a vengeance! With everything from text messages to car rides, there is NO male with whom I need to be carrying on a close relationship separate from my husband! ZERO.
There are a million other reasons (the total depravity of our society, the influence of tv, movies and music, etc.) that contribute to this, but I think the most impactful thing I've been walking through lately is God's very clear direction to me on my response.
Basically, I'm an adulterer. And, what's worse, I'm an adulterer multiple times over. I'm the bride of the living God, Creator of the entire universe, and I cheat on Him regularly. If you're saying to yourself "I cannot believe she went there..." just hold on...'cause I'm REALLY going to go there now.
I have a LIST of things in black and white in a letter from my husband that He's asked me not only not to engage in, but to totally expel from my life. Hold on, I have the list right here...
"sexual immorality, all impurity and covetousness must not even be named among you...let there be no filthiness, nor foolish talk nor crude joking...take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them...be holy in all your conduct...be holy as I am holy...be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to become angry...put away all filthiness...bridle your tongue...do not speak evil against one another...abstain from passions of the flesh...be self-controlled and sober-minded...do not love the world or the things in the world...abhor what is evil...cling to what is good...make no provision for the flesh or it's desires...flee from sexual immorality...glorify God with your body."
It's a very long letter, but those are some of the highlights. The point being, as I was asking God how people could engage in adultery with so much "going" for them and how believers could do it when they know it's wrong, I was struck by the response from Him in my spirit: "The same way you do. You let your defenses down little by little until you're engaged in sin before you know it. You become hardened and desensitized and then you wonder how you got there." He's right. And it's true. That's EXACTLY what happens. Nobody seems to ever wake up one morning and go, "ya know...it's time for a change...I think I'm going to cheat on my husband today." In much the same way, I don't wake up and think "how can I dishonor God and cheat on Him today?" Yet, if I'm not careful, and sometimes even when I am, it happens. I've noticed that it happens MORE regularly when certain areas of my life begin to be allowed to run themselves.
For instance, if I don't determine what I'm going to do with my time, my time determines my day for me. The first thing to get skipped? My time with God.
If I don't determine a standard of what I will and will not watch on television, before I know it, I'm knee-deep in plot lines of shows FULL of the very things God's asked me to FLEE from in my life. Interestingly enough, those shows then begin to determine my time and I plan things around being able to watch them, facebook about them and talk about the characters as though they're personal friends. (Because this one is particularly hard for me, I have this verse in a picture frame right beside my cable box: "I will walk in my house with blameless heart, I will set before my eyes no vile thing." Psalm 101:2-3)
If I don't set the tone in some of my conversations and make a conscious decision to avoid foul-language and off color commentary, those conversations almost automatically descend down that rabbit hole.
There are a million other examples, but let's just say that the Holy Spirit didn't have to reach very far to find ways that I violate my covenant with my God and flirt with the things I should most certainly avoid. It didn't take long for Him to turn "how could he cheat on Sandra Bullock? What an idiot!" into "You have the most beautiful One in all the world in Me, and that doesn't stop you..."
I'm an adulterer. The fact of the matter is, we all are. Some of us have unfortunately experienced the physical ramifications of earthly adultery, but we all experience the spiritual ramifications of our adultery on an almost daily basis. I think God wants us to wake up! This is a wake up call to adulterers. It's time to start viewing the "freedoms" of our life though a stricter grid. It's time to get serious about not blending in with the world and instead being set apart as a holy people. It's time to read God's Word and apply it instead of making excuses about it's cultural irrelevance or outdated ideals. It's time to be okay with not being on the bandwagon of the latest shows or music. It's time to stop taking advantage of the limitless grace of God by cheating on Him and then thinking He should be happy with our church attendance, christian CDs, tithing and small group outings. It's time to wake up.
I have a new found sympathy for my brothers and sisters in Christ who are suffering through the ramifactions of adultery. And I have a newly burdened heart to intercede heavily for them. I hope that your response to similar situations that you know of is an immediate drop to your knees to intercede for those involved and beg that God's glory be revealed in the midst of it. Any response that doesn't point right back to Christ is probably the wrong one. I also have an uncomfortably clear picture of the depths of my own tendency to wander both from my husband and from my God. I want a sealed heart. I don't want it open to any influences that would try to lead me astray. I don't really even care if I am "in" or "cool" or "culturally in tune" any longer. It's not worth my sanctification. It's going to take some seriously devoted work on my part and some much needed mercy and grace available to me only through the cross of Christ, my beloved, who died for me. "Be holy in all you do." If He tells me to do it, then I can assume He will give me the power necessary to achieve it. And when I fail, I am promised grace and mercy as my reward for repentance and contrition. Truly amazing grace.
Oh to grace, how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be
Let thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above
peace.
Amazing....such wisdom, such incite, such honesty..."Lord thank you so much for using Shannon to pierce my heart! Forgive me for cheating on your Father! "
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so true and vulnerable! I love you friend...I love you so much for your candor...I wish 100s of millions would read this!
I think it's funny that you refer to us nonbelievers as "heathens." lol Anyway, I don't think adultery is a new fad upcoming in our culture...It's as old as human civilization itself and even in the bible it was considered "normal" for a man to have several wives and concubines. It's always been the women that were persecuted for adultery, because in those times, women were little more than property or cattle.
ReplyDeleteNow, don't get me wrong, I am very much against cheating. In fact it's a deal breaker for me and something that my husband and I have discussed many times...but a man marrying ONE woman and being faithful to ONLY her is a much newer concept than our ideas of adultery, and monogamous, faithful relationships developed from our ever evolving secular culture, not from Christianity. I'd also like to point out that Christians suffer a higher divorce rate than us "heathens" so perhaps WE should be giving YOU the advice on how to maintain a successful marriage. Just sayin'.
Dear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteThanks for calling to my attention how that read to you. My actual intent was to point out that Christians, in our morally superior and judgmental attitude sometimes, tend to just not expect anything other than sinful behavior from unbelievers, all the while overlooking that our attitude itself is sin! I've quoted the "heathen" line in the blog and added a bit more explanation so that hopefully the actual point will come across.
I agree with most of what you said regarding polygamy in biblical times, though just as I said on the blog, just because it's "normal" or everybody's doing it or accepting of it, that isn't going to be my standard. My standard is God's original design for marriage and that is why I don't believe that monogamous relationships evolved from secular culture. I believe that they were God's original design from creation.
As for Christians suffering a higher divorce rate, you are absolutely right about that and I personally think that statistic is tragic. The Bible gives very clear guidelines for maintaining a healthy marriage and there are a wealth of other resources at our disposal as well. Unfortunately, many of us as believers have begun to blend in with what everybody else is doing and have ceased to adhere ourselves to the biblical standards of marriage in many cases. That is why this blog was written to believers as a wake-up call and was not intended as advice on marriage to a non-believer.
Thanks for your perspective and please feel free to respond! Would love to know your actual name, though.
Shannon
Shannon,
ReplyDeleteMy heart is burdened and full of shame for the times I've been adulterous towards my Father, Savior and King. Thank you for giving me new perspective and for your candor.
I've thought about it too...I think your right about guarding yourself and your family and keeping some things personal. For me I always think of it as a matter of loving my wife, my children and both our families enough to run from things that may bring temptations. Even if it means sacrificing some other relationhips in the process.
ReplyDeletethanks
Shannon, you're beautiful, sister!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing this...
Love you!
~T
Shannon,
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this! Your writing is beautiful! I found this encouraging and convicting. For that I am grateful!
Kat
I
Hi Shannon,
ReplyDeleteIt was insightful but at times I was a little confused with your writing. In the beginning it seemed you were going to focus on the “ramifications of adultery” and how hurtful and harmful an act it is and how we as a society are becoming almost numb to it all. You mentioned some of the reasons as “(the total depravity of our society, the influence of tv, movies and music, etc.)” So, it’s going good and you are listing some great facts and anyone, Christian or Non-Christian can take heed and learn some things and maybe get convicted by some of their thoughts, ideas and actions, past or present. Then you take a sharp turn and start talking about how you are an adulterer, or how we all can be called an adulterer.
For the first six paragraphs you are really socking it to the readers and then the last paragraphs it almost as if you are saying “ok we all are sinners saved by grace” and “I’m still a work in progress, so don’t judge” at least I’m interpreting it that way. All the information was good, just confusing on how it was written.
In a quick summary, are you saying we should be more convicted about our own thoughts, actions and ideas and more compassionate when others fail? Or, shame on us for not being more convicted, but it’s ok of we are not, because we are all guilty of the same sin? Just need a little more clarification.
Enjoy your site. First time to it today.
Ericka
Hi Ericka!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the clarification questions! Let's see if I can make this short :)
Basically, I believe that we as believers have become desensitized to adultery and it's consequences and it doesn't even really bother us anymore in our favorite shows and movies. When it touches us personally, it's not nearly as glamorous. Unfortunately, as believers, we also seem to be the first people to jump up on our high horses and condemn people (other believers especially). During this process and similar judgments in my life, God was very gracious to show me how I am as much disposed to adultery as anyone else. My response is DEFINITELY not "I'm still a work in progress, so don't judge", and is not "it's okay if we're not more convicted" but is most assuredly a realization that if not for the grace of God, I'd be in the same place and even AM in the same place in my spiritual life. My exhortation to other believers is to PRAY for those we know of that are struggling in this area, take stock of our own lives and shore up the ways that we are cheating on our Savior, and put some boundaries in place to increase our sensitivity to it and protect ourselves from not only cheating on our spouses, but our Savior. I hope that's helpful. Thanks for visiting! I hope you'll come back.
Shannon
Clarification, It does Shannon. I love this "take stock of our own lives and shore up the ways that we are cheating on our Savior, and put some boundaries in place to increase our sensitivity to it and protect ourselves from not only cheating on our spouses, but our Savior."
ReplyDeleteThank you, ericka