that time i was poisoned...

Sometimes the most ridiculous things occur in my life. When this happens, I quickly have two choices. 1) spin down into a spiral of "why is this happening?!?!" or  2) choose to believe that God's got something IN it FOR me. What do I base this assumption on? I base it on the irrefutable fact that He's the sovereign, intentional Ordainer of Days. Absolutely nothing that happens to you or me is random. All of it has the potential for teaching and shaping if we'll pull back to 40,000 feet and survey the landscape. So, with vulnerability, I'll say that I often choose option 1 and then later choose option 2. Today, I chose both…and also today…I was poisoned.

My kids have been sick since Friday. This is noteworthy because since we moved into this house in June, they've been relatively well. This week they've complained of headaches, aches, pains and so forth. It's been weird, but with no other symptoms, not overly concerning.

Today I went and taught chapel at their school while they stayed home. As soon as I walked in the door after chapel, I said to Jeffrey, "Something doesn't smell right." He said, "I thought that too but I called the guy and he said that it was the blah blah blah burning off the blah blah blah because of the new blah blah blah." (We just started using our heat about a week and a half ago and that's the only thing at our house that uses gas.) I didn't feel great about the answer that Jeffrey had gotten, but hey, I'm not an HVAC person so what do I know? I sat down to cuddle with my ailing kids and try to get some work done. Within 3 or 4 hours I had a headache and was having trouble concentrating. I was reading and feeling lightheaded and Jeffrey was beginning to have trouble focusing. Before long, he too had a headache and as if on cue, Jack yelled "ugh! I have a headache!" Immediately I had that feeling in my spirit that something was wrong.

Jeffrey called the gas company and told them all that I just told you. They said, "Please evacuate the house immediately." So we did. Kids, us, dog…all into the car. I kid you not, we were in the car for six hours. I could have gone to Panama City Beach or a host of other places in the time we spent evacuated in that car. "Why didn't you just go somewhere else?" Well, half of us were in pajamas and Jeffrey was busy standing over the gas man's shoulder trying to figure out what was happening. The man walked through the front door of our house and his "hazard" alarm went off immediately. He wasn't very forthcoming with the information initially, but we eventually were told…carbon monoxide.

As more research was done, he discovered that all of the exhaust vents that are related to our furnaces are faulty. How are they faulty? Well, once the gas comes in and is burned, the toxic fumes should be sent outside via the exhaust vents while the heat is sent through the air vents into the home. Our exhaust vents have lost their seals. Not only was heat coming into our home and keeping us toasty warm on these chilly nights, it was bringing with it carbon monoxide and other toxic fumes…right through the vents. It was literally poisoning us.

The kids were getting the worst of the impact because they were never leaving the house. Jeffrey and I were going to work, going to meetings, heading out to celebrate friends, driving back and forth to school, running errands, switching off staying with the kiddos…but poor Maggie, Jack and Ali were just sitting in it. The quick conclusion to this part of the story is: the house has aired out for 6 hours and received "all clear" signals on all three carbon monoxide alarms, the kids have bounced back remarkably after many hours of fresh air, the gas has been disconnected and will not be reconnected until everything is repaired and done properly (it isn't our issue as it was a problem before we ever came along and rented this house), and my parents loaned us space heaters so that we won't freeze while the heat gets worked on and returned to full functioning, non-poisonous, healthy, working order. Hooray!

Oh, but you knew there was more right?

The events of this day (and the six hours in the car) have left me with more than a little bit of time to consider the implications of this same kind of scenario for us as believers. I'll spell out a few of the epiphanies that I had today…because ALL of us, whether we realize it or not, have the potential to be poisoned.

Poison is: a substance that, when introduced into or absorbed by a living organism, causes death or injury, especially one that kills by rapid action even in a small quantity.

1. All poison isn't dressed as poison.
People, the enemy of our souls isn't going to resort to announcing his brand of poison by labeling it with a skull and cross bones (most of the time). Carbon Monoxide is odorless, colorless and tasteless. Sometimes the poison of our souls will be invisible, but sometimes, in order to get us to absorb it, he'll need to dress it up as something that doesn't seem harmful at all. “You'd be surprised what poison is often hidden in the most beautiful camouflage.” Evelyn Klebert

2. It's impossible to be poisoned by proxy.
Poison must be introduced into or absorbed by. You have to come in contact with poison in order to be poisoned. Whether you realize it or not, if you're experiencing symptoms of soul poisoning, then you've come into contact with poison at some point. Start doing the research. Start asking yourself why you react that way, fly off the handle like that, are relentlessly jealous of him/her, why he pushes all your buttons, why you're so cynical about them, why you've written her off, why sarcasm is way easier than vulnerability…these are some of the side effects of soul poisoning. At some point, you were in contact with poison and were inhaling its toxic fumes without realizing it. Whether it was introduced into your soul by someone else or absorbed willingly by you, the fact remains: it's there and it has to be dealt with.

3. Poison will hide in plain sight.
I was being poisoned in. my. house. I was going about my life, feeling freedom to move around my space, freedom to curl up there and be totally me, freedom not to dress up, freedom not to clean up, freedom not to look around me…freedom. I was warm, cozy and comfortable. But then, out of nowhere, BAM! I began to experience things IN my house that shouldn't be part OF my house. Little did I know that along with the heat and the comfort also came the poison. In fact, the poison went so far as to come through the exact. same. vent. The bad came right on in with the good. It was hiding in plain sight. Does something feel off in your soul or your world? Are there things IN your soul that shouldn't be part OF your soul? Is it possible there's some poison hiding right in front of you? Take the time to listen to that part of you that says, "Something isn't right." Then do the research. If I hadn't spoken up to Jeffrey when I did, I don't know or want to think about how our day would have escalated. We were all at risk already, but it took me speaking up to confirm what he was already feeling. Do you have someone to speak up to? They just may be feeling what you're feeling…

4. The seals are what save.
Burning natural gas gives off toxic fumes along with the heat. It's all part of the science of it. The seals around the exhaust vent are in place to make sure what's toxic goes OUT while what's good stays IN. We're all human. We all have toxins…sins. The seal that the Holy Spirit provides for us ensures that with proper accountability, diligence and guarding of our hearts, the toxins go out and the good stays in. When that still small voice is disregarded, when the system breaks down, when the accountability quiets…the toxins that should be going out, all too often come in and when they do, they poison us and those around us. Sometimes quickly, but sometimes very slowly. The faulty seals in this house aren't our fault…the seals had been eroding over years of neglect. But even though it wasn't our fault, we were the ones being poisoned. Can you relate? Is there an area of your life where you sense a gap in the seals? What would others say about the seals in your life? In any person, system, organization, team or family, the seals are what save. If toxins are coming in, there's a problem with the seals. Identify the gaps and get busy with the repairs.

5. The longer you stay, the sicker you'll be.
Funny thing about poison…the longer you're exposed, the sicker it makes you. My kids were sickest because they were exposed longest. Of my kids, Jack was sick first and worst, because he is weakest to begin with. But, no matter how strong or healthy you are, you aren't stronger than poison. Eventually…it will best you. Get out into the fresh air, get some perspective and get a plan for getting rid of it. Are you getting sicker? Do you think the poison you're allowing into your soul won't affect you? Think you're healthier than that? Stronger than that? Think again. You're no match for the enemy. But fortunately, greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world. (I John 4:4) Pray for discernment and perspective as you do an inventory of the health of your soul, your relationships and the situations you find yourself in. If there's sickness, there may be poison.

5. Get rid of the poison, not the house.
There was a moment today when I considered moving. Literally packing up after five months of living here and moving. "It's everywhere! It has infected all of us!" and that was in fact true. But, poison has an antidote. If caught in time, it doesn't have to destroy. Instead, it can BE destroyed. The antidote to carbon monoxide? Oxygen. Good old available everywhere oxygen. With every single inhale of oxygen, the levels of carbon monoxide in infected blood are reduced. Carbon monoxide is no match for oxygen. You too have the antidote for the poison you're facing in your life. Satan has been defeated and his poison is no match for the blood of Christ  and the grace which covers you. That blood of Jesus is sure fire destruction for the poison that may be robbing you. The whole house doesn't have to be thrown out, but the poison has to be dealt with so that the antidote of fresh oxygen can once again invade purely. Breathe in grace. Don't give up and throw it all out just because the poison got in. Let the Redeemer redeem.

And redeem He will. Because that's Who He is and what He does.

Rise up, be our help, And redeem us for the sake of Your lovingkindness. Psalm 44:26

i. can't. do. this.

"Are you still obeying?" "What do you say?" "How should you have asked that differently?" "Can I help you with something?" "Do you think that's a wise choice?" "Are you kidding me right now?" "Have you lost your mind?" "What is happening right now?"

Questions. Every day, all day, I find myself asking my kids questions. The funny thing about the questions is that I'm not asking because I need the answers, I'm asking because I already know the answer, but am trying to get them to think about what they're doing and what the answer should be.

This morning, upon hearing them downstairs not doing anything remotely close to what I had asked them to do, I called "are you still obeying?" The best part is always the replies...  

Ali's reply (7 yrs old): "yeeeeessss" (drawn out JUST long enough to stop what she'd been doing and start what I'd asked her to do so that it isn't technically a lie...)

Jack's reply (8 yrs old): "we're about to!" (he's just happy with points for intent...)

Maggie's reply (11 years old): "no, but we will."  (honest. She knows she isn't obeying any longer and will get back to it.)

As I shook my head in that all-knowing "don't they know that I know everything?" way that I do, I was struck by the question I'd asked them... (in that all-knowing way that I ask...)

Are you still obeying?

It wasn't long before I was pondering that very question for myself. I know the things that God's asked me to obey in. In fact He's asked all of us who are believers to obey in a host of things. There are 10 commandments to consider, commands from James regarding the tongue, commands from Ephesians regarding husbands and wives, commands in the books of Timothy regarding church leaders and the list goes on.

Those are all commands that God has given us generally. I also know of things that God has asked of me specifically. His direction to me may be different than His direction to you. That's the beautiful thing about His grace and the freedom that is found within it.

Occasionally though, I can feel Him asking "are you still obeying?" Depending on the day and what's been asked of me, I can answer like any of my children.

"Yeeeeeeeesssss..." This response is usually reserved for those times that I've gotten off track a little. I've gotten distracted along the way. The thoughts I start allowing my mind to run away with, the kindness I should display but really don't feel like it, the times I should go out of my way for someone and act like Jesus, but instead would rather be selfish... "Are you still obeying?" The way I answer gives me JUST enough time to snap out of my selfishness and yield to the Holy Spirit instead. But, God isn't fooled by my response any more than I am when Ali responds that way to me. He wisely asks the question to nudge me back on track. He is relentlessly kind.

"I'm about to!" I feel like I respond this way to God once I've dug my heels in. I don't WANT to be tender-hearted to my husband right now. I don't WANT to consider others better than myself. I don't WANT to take care of everyone else! I. DON'T. WANT. TO. Then in the midst of my selfishness and narcissism comes that voice... "Are you still obeying?" Ridiculously, and as though God hasn't seen the whole pity party, I gather myself, put everything in order and answer that I'm JUST about to obey...as though I somehow get points for good intentions. God isn't fooled, but He does know my frailty and in the words of Psalm 103:14, He "remembers that we are dust." So, because of His great love for me, He asks the question He already knows the answer to...and He asks for my good. He is relentlessly wise.

"No, but I will." This one is hardest for me. There are times in my life when I know what I'm supposed to do. I know what He's asked. I know the answer. I'm just not doing it. I'm scared. I'm unsure. I'm confused. I'm bargaining. I'm hedging my bets. I'm waiting for a different answer. I'm talking myself down. I'm beating myself up. I'm wringing my hands. I'm searching. I'm fretting. I'm anxious. I'm running. I'm weary. I'm worn. I'm exhausted. Then it comes..."Are you still obeying?" No. I'm not. I'm not obeying. The problem with the "I will" part is that there are times when I feel like I CAN'T. I cannot obey. I don't have it in me. I want to. This isn't an issue of my motive. It's an issue of fear. It's an issue of faith. It's an issue of trust. It's an issue of doubt. Am I saying out loud that I don't trust God? Of course not! But my actions and my delayed obedience (which is disobedience) betray me. I might as well say "God, I don't trust that you know what's best for me and that by instructing me in this way, you're leading me to Your best. I'm afraid that you won't come through." He is relentlessly merciful.

Charles Spurgeon had this to say on the subject:

• Do you doubt as to whether God will fulfill His promise? When not a sparrow falls to the ground without your Father, and the very hairs of your head are all numbered, will you mistrust and doubt Him? Perhaps your affliction will continue up until you dare to trust your God and then it shall end. There are so many who have been tested and in anguish until, at last, they have been driven in sheer desperation to exercise faith in God, and the moment of their faith has been the instant of their deliverance; they have seen whether God would keep His promise or not. Oh, I pray you doubt Him no longer! It is a sin; and not a little sin either, but in the highest degree criminal. It is base and inexcusable that we allow a doubt to sojourn within our heart. May we wage constant war against doubts of our God - enemies to our peace and His honor - and with an unstaggering faith believe that what He has promised He will also perform.

I want to obey. But will I? The truth is, I can't. Without the enabling grace of God, there's no hope. I'm too frail, too paralyzed. i. can't. do. this.

Glory to God that He's not asking "Are you still obeying?" while expecting me to do so in my own strength! He's not assuming that I can and He's not even assuming that I will! I believe He asks the question to remind me that I'm not obeying and then to gently remind me that apart from Him, I can't. I can't accomplish what He's asked of me, so He must accomplish it IN ME. I can't live how He asks me to live, so He must live IN ME. I can't be who He's asked me to be, so He must be that IN ME. I can't fulfill His purpose for me. So He must. I can't. So He must. I won't, but He will.

The key for me? Surrender. That's my part. The hands up, white-flag waving, exhausted, end of myself SURRENDER. And then I wail... "GOD, I CAN'T!!!!" And in his wise, merciful, all-knowing, grace-oozing way, He then replies...

"No, but I will." He will do it. He will enable my obedience. He will come through. He will give me the grace to act. He will give me the grace to walk. He will give me the grace to speak. He will give me the grace to obey. And at the end...there will be no doubt that He alone has done it.

May we wage constant war against doubts of our God - enemies to our peace and His honor - and with an unstaggering faith believe that what He has promised He will also perform.

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands. Psalm 138:8

my hope...

People. If you do nothing else today...READ THIS. It's from my friend Karla Garrard (garrardpartyof7.wordpress.com.) It's beautifully authentic and comes in the midst of all the uncertainties and joys of adoption. But, this isn't just about adoption. It's about good old fashioned HOPE. And we can all use some of that. Read on.

My Hope. by Karla Garrard

Can man live on bread alone?  I know what the Bible says and I do agree that my very breath is dependent upon God Almighty.  I understand and KNOW that my soul is only alive when the word of God is coursing in and through my very being.  But…

Woman can survive on bread, cheese, chocolate, grape juice and the occasional salad.  How do I know this?  Because with no oven, a small sink for washing dishes, a cast iron skillet on a gas burner, and a small frig, we have eaten our weight in grilled cheese sandwiches.  I did make good choices with whole wheat bread and nice cheese…but goodness.  I may have cured my addiction to cheese because I am not sure I will ever want any after this.  (Just kidding!  That won’t last. Just like my Coca Cola issues.  I haven’t had one in over a month due to disliking international Coke, but I am sure I will have a McDonald’s Coke before I even set foot in my house!)  It’s funny, this human body and psyche.  God is such a genius, really.

I had some good news this morning about our process.  I was thrown a bone of ‘hope’ in the form of this question- “Would you be able to leave earlier if your papers were done and appointments finished?  Could you fly earlier?”

Well, um, let me think about it for 2 SECONDS…YES!  

And then I ran a few errands to buy some salad and bananas…yes, and cheese.  I went to the post office to mail postcards for a friend and then came back to the apartment, as we call it.  (We have been careful to make a distinction between this apartment and home.  We want the kids to know that we are not home yet.  And they understand.  I expect there will be more transitioning when we are really home.)  After feeding the kids lunch, coloring a few hundred pictures, and having a dance party/worship party, it was nap time/quiet time.  I sat down and began to dwell a bit on this morning’s proposal.

Lord, dare I hope?

Fear. Doubt.  Unbelief.  Anxiety.  Timidity.  The list can go on.  These foul pesky fellas begin to have a party in my mind, will and emotions.

Dare I hope?  And, what is my hope in, really? 

Currently—

• That I get home?
• That pain would cease?  Sorrow be no more?
• That I am reunited back with our family of 7?
• That the current joy I share with my SA family not wane, as I have to leave them?

Or, over the course of my life or your life—

• That I be removed from a painful circumstance?
• That I get to go to the school of my choice?
• That I be delivered from painful friendships?
• That the mouth of the slanderer be silenced?
• That all who talk behind my back get their due?
• That I get married?  That I have kids?
• That ‘friends’ not lie to my face?
• That abuse stop and be thwarted?

Or, what about the things that we see as righteous—

• Would you give me platforms to share my faith?
• That my family be saved?
• That a wayward son or daughter be found?
• That healing take place in a loved one’s body?
• That the church grow to thousands so that many hear the gospel?
• That financial stability take place to empower more giving to missions?
• That there be a way for local and global missions to consistently take place?

And on and on and on.

In all categories, I am challenged.  From the hardest/darkest/evil times to those ‘good things’ that reflect Jesus…is our hope in the successful outcome?  The deliverance of evil?  The healed, free, loved individual?

Or, is our hope to be in Christ and Christ alone…come what may?

I am so challenged today!  Dare I hope? Yes, I am taking the dare.  I am placing my hope…placing my trust…in the One called Faithful.  I am placing my eyes on Him, the Author and Finisher!!  I am setting my heart towards Him, no matter what the outcome.  I am hoping in Jesus.  Because when I hope in a certain outcome, I am always, ALWAYS disappointed.  But when I hope in Him, He always is my ‘more than enough’.  He is so good like that.

Dare I hope?  Dare YOU hope? 

Yes, my soul, find rest in God;

my hope comes from Him.

Truly He is my rock and my salvation;

He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

Psalm 62:5-6

Jesus, I look to You today.  Not your hands and what they can give me.  But Your face…I gaze at Your beauty and worship You.  It’s Your breath in my lungs, so I pour out my praise to You only.  Amen and amen.