my stupid mouth...

Yes, this blog is titled after a John Mayer song, but it's remarkably accurate. Lately, this journey that God has me on has continually exposed my one BIG and OVER-ARCHING weakness. My. Mouth. Those of you that know me well are thinking, "Really? You're just now reaching this conclusion?" Those of you that have been exposed to me but don't know me well are thinking, "Oh, thank goodness! She does know she has an issue there!" Well, take comfort, friends. I've known since at least high school when my sweet friend Nicole told me that I hurt her with my words on a fairly regular basis. Ouch.

Over the years, my battle with my words has taken many forms. In high school, I was a master at exploiting your weakness, and then camping on it for a little bit and turning it into something everyone else thought was funny and that you probably laughed along with but were secretly dying inside over. That, I fear, is exactly what happened with Nicole. Now, I was by no means a bully. I was even GREAT friends with Nicole. But, I was funny (and was voted "funniest" in my senior superlatives, thank you very much) and I thought that gave me license to take things further than they should go. I wasn't doing this on purpose, but I certainly wasn't doing my due diligence and making sure that my words were healing rather than hurting. Nicole's confrontation was quite a wake up call for me.

During college and my young, single days, (I'm still young, by the way. I am.) I realized pretty quickly that I was far smarter than the average person. I mean, come on. I was the one that would say what everyone else wouldn't say. I would give my opinion on everything, call you on your sin, or my opinion of the sin in your life, let other people know my opinion on your sin, talk to everyone about everyone else and feed off of other big personalities to make myself even more noticeable. Quick sidebar: me thinking I was smarter than everyone else was pure arrogance, me giving my opinion and calling everyone on their sin was pure pride, and me talking to everyone else about everyone else was pure gossip. Also, feeding off other people's big personalities made me just plain annoying.

Anyway.......my friend Todd Fields played an integral role in the life of young, single Shannon. He sat me down and told me that he'd known me since I was a kid and he didn't like who I was when I was around certain people. He knew that wasn't who I really was or who I'd been raised to be and that he wanted to see me held accountable to helping it stop. Ouch. Again.

Though that wasn't the most comfortable conversation I've ever had, it was extremely freeing. You see, the Holy Spirit had already begun to work on that in me. He was pressing that button, if you will. Then, at just the right time, He sent Todd along to confirm what He'd begun. I'm grateful that Todd was faithful! The nice thing about those years and that experience is that now, I never struggle with any of those things anymore.

***

Oh...how I wish that were true. The fact of the matter is...there are some things that I've matured enough not to struggle with very often. I rarely exploit a weakness in someone else for the sake of a funny moment. To their face. Over time, I've learned how to handle my mouth by disciplining myself and knowing what I can say and to whom I can say it. I know the "safe places" where I'm allowed to vent and yell and gossip and ridicule and degrade and spew about others, and the "holy places" where I shalt not. I'm still very funny at the expense of others with the right group of people. I'm still a master of the "we were all thinking it but she just said it!" shock moment. I'm still crass, super sarcastic and gossipy, but only at safe times where my overall reputation isn't on the line. I temper my facebook statuses and twitter posts to be sure that I portray just the right version of myself.

I mean, don't think I didn't have some choice words to say about Fergie's particular vocal stylings during the Super Bowl. But, I typed, erased, typed, erased, typed and erased the statuses enough times that finally, over the roaring of my own arrogance and by the grace of God alone, I heard the Holy Spirit whispering,"Really? Is the funny zinger line REALLY what this is about? Or maybe...just maybe is it about the bigger issue of your heart condition...which, by My design, is always expressed by your mouth?" And so, for the third time, I'm forced to say, "Ouch." Big time. There are a couple of things in my life that the Lord is camping on. With this issue in particular, I feel like he's pulled in a double-wide trailer, planted some shrubs and set out plastic patio furniture...indicating that He'll be here for awhile.

The more I've pondered, the more I've realized that this isn't just about the gossip, or the sarcasm, it's about the complaining, the raised voices with my children, the grumbling about this or that, the tone of voice I use to speak to my husband, the big sigh, the disgusted groan, the under the breath mumble, the whining and anything else that proceeds out of my mouth.

"Are you kidding me, Lord? All of it?" "Yep...all of it." "But I have THREE SMALL CHILDREN!" "That I gave you." "I have a husband who doesn't leave the house exactly as I like it!" "I gave you him, too." "But, Lord! She's annoying and always has to be right!" "And I made her in My image." "A monkey could do that job, Lord. He's stupid." "And yet, I've put him in your path today and your response is all I'm really concerned with." (long, uncomfortable pause.) "oh."

In typical fashion, God sent along someone to underscore what He is teaching me. Fortunately for me, it was Beth Moore. I mean, I'm sure she intended her tweet for others as well, but it seemed specifically designed for me...and I'm sure in God's infinite wisdom, it was. This was her tweet (twitter post, for you non-tweeters): "Today's challenge to anyone who's game: Go all day 'till falling asleep tonight without complaining or criticizing a single time..." Then, right after that tweet, I walked out to kiss Maggie on the head and realized that she AGAIN had lice. AGAIN!!! Ugh...(without complaining or criticizing...without complaining or criticizing...) Hmmm...in case I had designs on convincing God that my complaining, criticizing, grumbling and gossip were justified, I was now the one convinced that they are NOT.

My heart's desire is for my words to bring life and healing and to ultimately harness for God the MOST glory possible. I no longer want to be guilty of blessings and cursing out of the same mouth. The Book of James makes it very clear that this ought not be so! (James 3:10) Besides...while I'm busy allowing my flesh to run rampant with my tongue for evil, I may never know how the Spirit intends to harness it for His glory and use it for good. 

And so it begins! Again! It's the seemingly insurmountable climb up the mountain of my verbal vexation. My journey will be lengthy and laborious, will most certainly be fraught with peril of many kinds and will without a doubt be grueling. You close friends also get the distinct privilege of holding me accountable! I know, I know......you can thank me later. I do believe though, that He who began a good work is ALWAYS faithful to complete it. This is certainly a good work.

"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:45

"Because Your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise You. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:3-8

peace.